Anything But Mine Read online




  anything but mine

  Brittany Bly

  Copyright © 2019 Brittany Bly

  All rights reserved.

  For my Grandma, who saw the best in anyone no matter what. Her belief in me lit the spark but only when I lost her did I finally immerse myself in this new journey.

  table of contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Epilogue

  Chapter One

  Watching the woman who raised me wither away and die was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. She was the glue that held our family together. Well... what was left of our family. It has always been my grandma, my mama, and me. Now, there’s just the two of us. And now that this significant piece is gone. Where do we go from here?

  The casket lowers into the ground, and I serve as a pillar for my mama as she cries. I remain solemn-faced, having cried all my tears out over the last week. My eyes are refusing to give any further. One of us had to be the strong one, and I could be that for her.

  "Come on Mama," I say taking her by the shoulders guiding her away from the gravesite. Sobbing she clings to me but allows me to lead her away. People give their condolences as we pass. I nod and continue leading her to the car. I help her into my beat-up Chevy and speak to her as I would a child "I’ll be right back. I need to speak to the preacher. Okay?"

  She looks up with tear-stricken eyes but says nothing.

  Closing the door, I turn walking back up the path to my grandma's final resting place. I feel numb staring at the twin tombstones. I do know she’s happy finally being reunited with Grandpa, more than twenty years is a long time to be apart. But, would this emptiness be something I have to live with until we’re reunited?

  "I'm sorry Mags" turning I find Beau standing a few steps behind me with his hands in his pockets. "Are you okay?" he mumbles shuffling his feet.

  I don’t say anything as I turn back around. I don’t blame Grandma for the decisions she made to forgo treatment. The treatment wouldn’t have cured a thing just prolonged her life while being hooked up to a machine. She didn’t want that. She wanted to come home and live the rest of her days with the people she loved, and that’s what we did.

  I respected that, but it didn’t make it any easier "No, but I will be.”

  He takes my hand, gently squeezing. Beau’s my high school sweetheart. We dated all four years of high school, but after graduation, I realized we wanted different things.

  He’s content with the life he has here. Me, on the other hand, I’ve always wanted something more. Do I love him? Yes, but I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I’ve tried to pinpoint the moment my feelings began to change. I don’t think there’s one singular moment, more of a gradual shift. Through my grandma's sickness, he’d been amazing. He helped with whatever we needed. When we couldn't take her to appointments, he did. Even with making her as comfortable as possible at the end, he’d been there. He’s a fantastic friend, but unfortunately for me, that’s it.

  Letting go I say, "I have to find the preacher." Only a few people remain, but I don’t see him among them.

  "I already took care of that. You go home I’ll make sure everything else gets taken care of.”

  I hug him around the waist burying my face in his chest... I didn't deserve him, "Thank you."

  "Don't thank me. I’ll be by to check on y'all soon" he says wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

  Pulling away I walk in the direction of my car. The next thing I know I’m sitting in the driver's seat staring straight ahead, unaware of how I got here. Have you ever experienced that, getting to a destination without taking part in the trip itself? Such an odd feeling. Starting the car, I look at Mama. She’s no longer crying, but now she’s shut down, silently looking out the window. I don’t know which is worse. Putting the car in drive, I pull away from the cemetery and the one woman I never thought I would be without.

  ***

  My grandma was a significant part of our small-town community, avidly volunteering her time to anyone in need. She believed there wasn’t a bad person on this earth. I, on the other hand, didn’t inherit that endless positivity. It was no shock to me at the number of people that brought food by and merely called to express their love for her.

  Every surface in the kitchen is covered with some sort of food dish. Have you ever noticed how everyone feels the need to feed you when something like this happens? Except the thing is you don’t feel like eating, so it's kind of a waste. My grandma's voice floats through my head "Magnolia, you should be grateful. People always come together in times of need”. One side of my mouth turns up in a half smile, even in death, her positivity makes its way through.

  Mama went upstairs as soon as we stepped through the door. She didn’t say a word. She needs time, this is a shock to both of us even though we knew it was coming.

  I’m antsy. I need to do something to keep my thoughts from consuming me. I decided to sort through the food trying to put away what needs to be placed in the fridge to have some sort of order. It’s like a puzzle attempting to fit all of them on the shelves. After multiple combinations, I finally get the door to shut. I push the screen door open letting it slam behind me as I walk out onto the porch. I’m unsure of what to do with myself but as a child sitting on this porch swing was one of my favorite places to be. Sitting here now I can feel my grandma beside me looking out over the field that surrounds the house. A tear escapes sliding down my cheek, falling from my jaw it absorbs into the skirt of my black dress. The dress she had helped me pick out... strange I know, but she was trying to make the transition as easy as she could for us.

  Even at the end, she thought of everyone else. She hadn’t been afraid of dying. She believed she was going to a better place, to be with all her loved ones that had left this earth before her. She made it clear during her last few days how important faith is, telling me she wanted to see me again. I chuckled telling her to send me a sign, so I knew it was all true… I’m waiting for that.

  Gravel crunches causing me to look up. I quickly brush away any lingering signs of my tears as Beau's truck comes up the driveway. I have sat in this very spot watching him come down this road more times than I can count. Experiencing every emotion – from happiness upon our first date to utter panic when I had to break his heart. Lost in my own thoughts, I’m only aware of the swing giving as he sits beside me.

  Laying my head on his shoulder, I exhale slowly. His cheek sits against my hair and time passes as we gently swing without saying a word. He provides me with the support I need, knowing words won't help. The breeze blows my hair around. Each of us, content listening to the birds chirping. It isn’t long before my stomach growls breaking the silence. Beau turns his head looking down at me. Smiling sadly, I say, "I guess I should eat something."

  "What do you feel like?"

  Straightening, I push myself up from the swing "Not sure, but I’ll find something. Are you hungry? We have plenty."

  "Let's g
o see what you have" he replies placing his hand on the small of my back following me into the house.

  As we walk into the kitchen, Mama’s sitting at the bar. She’s picking over whatever’s in the bowl in front of her. I don’t know if she has eaten any of it or if she merely thinks she should eat something.

  "What are you eating?" I ask her as I go to the fridge.

  Shrugging she mumbles "I grabbed the first thing I saw... it’s some kind of casserole."

  Whereas I’m upset over losing grandma, Mama is literally lost. She has always relied on her for everything. All her life, Mama has been dependent on her mother even when married to my dad – it had caused some tension in their marriage. The accident that ultimately took his life only made her cling to Grandma even more. We moved in with her after his death. Mama didn’t attempt to get a place of our own or even to pick up the pieces of her life. We lived with Grandma, and she didn’t have to worry about responsibilities… until now.

  I went with Grandma to set up her will. She wanted me to take care of everything once she was gone. Despite my arguing, she wouldn’t hear of not leaving me an inheritance. We debated this fact more than once. Finally, I relented and shut my mouth about the subject. I knew it was her final way of ensuring we were taken care of and I would’ve done anything to ease her worries. Mama would be receiving one also. But she didn’t have the slightest idea how to pay the bills even if we did have the money to cover them. I guess that would be my responsibility now.

  Grabbing a veggie platter and some water I put them on the counter. Mama doesn’t look up from her bowl ignoring our presence entirely. Beau and I munched our way through the platter emptying it of its contents – one down, I think as I throw it in the trash.

  He leans against the counter watching me, sighing I say "Beau, I’m fine.” He doesn’t say anything just continues watching me "But I do want to change and go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow?"

  Nodding he says, "Call me if you need anything?"

  "Of course, but don't worry about me. I'm just going to sleep" I say mindlessly walking toward the door to let him out. My body knowing what to do even when my mind can’t function.

  Once he’s over the threshold, he pulls me into a hug "I'm sorry Mags."

  I must stifle the tears welling up in my eyes "She's in a better place now." Pulling away I push him toward the porch steps "Go... I’ll be okay."

  He stares at me for a minute, and after whatever inner debate he’s having he finally turns to leave "Goodnight."

  From the door I watch him walk to the truck, he turns looking back only once. The breeze teasingly tries to take his combed sandy blond hair from its place. It isn’t very often that I’ve seen him in a suit, his muscular arms visible beneath the jacket and the black pants only accentuate his long legs. I imagine this to be what he would have looked like in another lifetime. Much different than his usual jeans, boots, and cowboy hat I’m accustomed to seeing.

  Shutting and locking the door I climb the stairs to my room. I stop outside Mama’s door raising my hand to knock, but I pause when her sobs float through the door. Exhaling I decide to leave her alone.

  Once I’m in my room, I lean against the door for a moment before pushing off. Unzipping my dress, I let it fall stepping out of it as I walk to the bathroom. We live in a vast Georgia plantation mansion, so each room is generously sized, to say the least. Grandma remodeled it about seven years ago to add en-suites to each of the bedrooms. To give us each our own space when she realized Mama wasn’t going anywhere. I crawl into bed in my tank top and shorts pulling the blankets over my head. I didn’t know what tomorrow would be like, but we would have to start this new chapter in our lives... without the monarch of our family.

  Chapter Two

  The first rays of sun filtering through the curtains draw me from my sleep. Blinking several times, I untangle myself from the blankets and roll onto my back. I stare at the ceiling trying to force my muscles to work, but it just isn’t the same. Silence. That’s all I hear this morning. Grandma would be making breakfast, singing or something. She was always a morning bird who woke before the sun itself was ready to awaken.

  Silence.

  The house itself is even quiet with no sounds of creaking or groaning. The usual especially with its age. It’s like it too is mourning her loss.

  I guess this is the new normal that I would wake up to each morning. Mama wouldn’t take over that role… it was odd for her to even be out of bed by lunchtime. I knew life had to continue. I promised Grandma that I wouldn’t mope. She was quite firm on the fact that I was to resume work and not pause my life in any way. She knew if I made a promise, I would keep it and that’s where she got me.

  Huffing I fight my way out of bed and shuffle to the bathroom to get ready for my day. After showering and drying my hair, I start putting my uniform on – a pair of black shorts and a purple polo with Magnolias Cleaning Service embroidered over my left breast.

  It had been two years since I started my own cleaning business… with some help from my grandma. I’d been in high school when I told her what I was planning, at first, she wasn’t thrilled about the idea. She argued that my grades would suffer, but I worked hard to maintain them. Eventually, she began to see how I could benefit. During the school year, I strictly did weekends then summers were free to work as I wanted. Once I graduated, it became my full-time job. Grandma had such a charismatic personality she quickly built up my clientele. Every person from her Sunday school class called one Sunday after church because she had bragged so highly about me. But I guess that’s what grandmas do. Soon they told their family and friends, and just like that, I was booked up.

  A lot of people ask me why I work when I clearly don’t have too. But what they don’t understand is that this isn’t my money. Grandma worked hard her entire life to have what she did. I refuse to be like my mama and mooch off her... to strive for nothing of my own.

  The only subject my grandma wouldn’t budge on was my college education. She refused to hear any arguments or complaints about paying for it. After many discussions and realizing I wasn’t going to win, I agreed. My goal is to make as much money as I can before leaving for college this fall. I would officially be on my own, and the expenses would begin to add up. I would soon be independent for the first time in my life. I’ll finally be somewhere besides this small town. It’ll be interesting to see what this world has to offer.

  Rushing down the stairs, I pull my long black hair into a ponytail. I make a quick detour grabbing a banana before I’m out the door and in my car. My car was another thing we disagreed on. With much persistence on my part, Grandma backed down and allowed it. My baby is a black 1967 Chevy Impala sports sedan. She needs a lot of work, but her flaws add to her beauty. Most people in this town think she’s just a hunk of junk... they have no idea how valuable she is. I would never sale her though no matter how much she’s worth.

  Rolling down the windows, Journey blasts through the speakers. I pull down the long winding driveway leading back to the main road. Georgia summers are miserable – if the rising temperatures weren’t bad enough. The humidity would definitely try to kill you. Unfortunately, baby doesn’t have air conditioning, so I have to rely on the warm breeze blowing through all four windows to keep me cool.

  The day passes quicker than I would have expected. I’m at my last house before I know it – well if you want to call it a house. Every home in this town is more like a mansion.

  Pulling into Mrs. Williams’s driveway, I kill the engine and grab my supplies. The beautifully manicured lawn meets the cobblestone walkway perfectly leading up to the front steps of her three-story home. Knocking on the glass set in the center of the door I shift my weight from foot to foot as I wait. Soon I can see a distorted figure approaching. Mrs. Williams opens the door, her petite figure barely filling half of the doorway. Smiling sadly, she says “Oh Magnolia, I didn’t think you would be here today.” Leaning forward she gently wraps
her frail arms around me patting my shoulders “I’m sorry dear. Miss Ebbie was an extraordinary lady, and she will be missed.”

  “Thank you.”

  My supplies begin to slide from my hands slowly. I almost lose them completely, but I save them from the fate of being spilled all over the porch with some quick maneuvering. All my shifting causes her to back up “Oh dear, I’m sorry, come in and put that stuff down.”

  I set it down just inside the foyer. Mrs. Williams lingers in the doorway seeming to want to say more. But before she can, I say “I’m going to get started” smiling I hurry up the stairs. I typically start downstairs, but I usually have the house to myself. She must have actually thought I wasn’t going to be cleaning today.

  The upstairs is five bedrooms and four bathrooms, so I have plenty to do before I have to go back down. I take my time moving through each room smoothly.

  Mrs. Williams and my grandmother were friends for the better part of seventy years. She was actually the first one to sign up for my services. I know the ends and outs of each room in her house by this point. Despite knowing each room like the back of my hand I still take my time. There’s no rush for me to get home where silence will be the only thing to greet me. Sure, Mama will be there, but she isn’t concerned about anyone else. Not that she ever has been, but I always had Grandma, so Mama’s immaturity didn’t hurt as much.

  About forty-five minutes later I begin gathering everything to head downstairs, internally preparing myself with each step. I know people mean well, but there’s only so many hugs and “sorry” one person can take. Voices float toward me as I walk in the direction of the kitchen causing me to stop.

  Standing just inside the kitchen is a tall guy I’ve never seen before. His back is to me, but I don’t have to wait long for him to look my way. He’s gorgeous. His lean body is propped against the kitchen counter, his strong square jaw ticking slightly as his eyes roam over my body. Whatever, I’d been preparing myself for upstairs… he wasn’t it.